Don't Quit While You're a Head; Just Don't Get Ahead of Yourself

While updating the name on my email, I came across something I'd written on Yahoo!Shine. It was a simple write-up of an activity I'd participated in for my Humanities 101 class my first semester in college: The Night of Aesthetic Beauty. Reading it again, I found some gem of knowledge, and began to think about how it applied in my current situation. First, here's the transcript:

"The Night of Aesthetic Beauty

"So, I'd thought that I knew what was going to happen. We were all going to present, and it would be either mediocre or excellent. I expected the talent. I expected the awesome art and songs. What I didn't expect was the different stuff. I didn't expect the movie about how beautiful men are. I didn't expect the wonder of Mary-Celeste's voice. I certainly didn't expect to name my drawing.

"It had always had some sort of unarticulated meaning to me, I'd only show it to people who I was close to. I came to understand it through Emily Dickinson's poem, unofficially titled, "A charm invests a face." I named my drawing "Unveiled." Because it's me, with my imperfections. It's the melodramatic, it's the sad, it's the imperfect. It's also the calm that sometimes I feel. It's this strange happiness that seems to come from nowhere. Imagine explaining that to everyone and everyone, and not having them understand, perhaps writing you off as this or that.

"I realized a few things tonight. I realized how talented everyone is. I had it reaffirmed to me that humility is neither puffing oneself higher, nor pushing oneself lower than where one really is. And that the best things are shared by those who are comfortable where they are, and where they're going.

"It's a good thing, to be at ease where I am. It means I can get where I'm going, and help others get there too. I can also appreciate things as they are."

I've been insecure lately. Perhaps it's because I'm disappointed with myself for not using my time wisely when I get stressed about lack of time, or perhaps it's that my status and my life have completely changed. I have this irrational fear that someone's going to jump out of the shadows just when I'm earning acceptance from my peers and start screaming that I'm a complete failure, and too young, and stupid, and anything else along those lines. I've come to the conclusion that being insecure about where I am and where I'm going is natural, when I'm not sure what the future holds and if people approve of me or not. It's not necessary to be completely confident in an unknown future in order to be humble and confident. It sure helps, though. I probably wouldn't struggle so much with trying to impress others if I felt like I could impress myself.

I know that my lack of self-approval is my perfectionist streak surfacing, and I know it's not healthy. But there could be worse problems. I could be struggling with unbearable clinical depression, or serious physical health issues. I could be homeless, or estranged from my family. My in-laws could hate me. But none of this is going on, and in that I am immensely blessed. But what if my in-laws start to hate me, or think I'm not treating their son well, and shun me? What if they think my lack of a job means that I'm taking advantage of their willingness to support us? I wish I were more of a go-getter as far as jobs go, and had the confidence to ask a lot of people for jobs, to not quit at the first 'no.' Part of me thinks I don't deserve a job, because of my assets. Hearing about all the people who are completely down and out, who need a job but just can't find an opening, I feel like I'd be taking it away from someone else who needs it more. I also worry that with my lack of time management, I'd not get to my homework, and flunk out. That would be a miserable, horrible situation! Adding to homework, I have a household to run now, and it's more work than I anticipated.

Being in a new situation with more responsibilities is a little stressful, and I haven't handled it well. I've become more prideful in order to create a show of confidence that really isn't there. I've been distracted by worrying about the future, instead of working in the present. I've been beating myself down because I feel I've failed in everything that matters. It doesn't help that I've needed to justify to everyone, mostly myself, my change of major. But I should have known from the start what I need to do. Instead of trying to rely on myself, I need to trust and take counsel from God. It's scary, mostly because I fear that I can't listen to or follow inspiration, and also because I want to be in control to prove I'm competent. Again, pride gets in my way.

So here's my game plan. I'm going to work on three things: first, I'm going to make scriptures my priority; secondly, I'm going to start praying morning and evening; and thirdly, I'm going to reassure myself when I worry, and focus on the work ahead of me. The reason for scriptures is that I need to have confidence that God will answer my prayers, because He sees me trying to be obedient. The reason for prayers is that I need to remember to pray for help, and not think I'm all alone. And the reason for the third is self-explanatory.

Reading what I wrote a year ago helped me to shake myself inwardly and rearrange my thinking. I'll likely still have insecurities about my unseen future, but if anything has changed, it's my outlook. Because of the gospel, I can be guided and comforted. I know that reading that note wasn't accidental. It proves to me that God loves me, and that I can feel the Spirit and follow inspiration. And right now, that's what I need to hear.